I considered the title of Summer Rules, but then you would think I have lost my damn mind. No, these are rules for my children so that they can have an enjoyable summer and I can make it through summer without my eye twitching uncontrollably.
1. SHUT THE DAMN DOOR! Look, I went through this with my parents and, now, it is your turn. Just for the sake of all our sanity shut the freaking door. It isn’t really that hard and you will save the screaming…at the lizards and frogs that seem to think an opened door is an invitation to come on in and make themselves at home. If I have to come eye to eye with a lizard when I sit down on the sofa to relax, I am going to go homicidal. On the lizard, of course.
2. Clean up after yourselves. It is not that hard. No one cleaned up after you at school and no one will do it at home for you. What am I? Your mother? Oh wait!…Scratch that. I am not your maid, so if you keep missing your mouth while eating or drinking then clean it up. Summer will be much better without me having a coronary everytime you spill something.
3. Just know that since I gave birth to you and you are at an age where you are capable of doing certain things that means you are my slave. I know, I know, the Constitution outlawed slavery, but what the government doesn’t know won’t hurt me. And let’s be honest here, I am doing the bulk of the workload, anyway. I don’t need to add an hour long discussion on the merits of you taking out the trash to my workload. Take it out and then you can plant your butt back on the sofa and watch your show while I continue EVERYTHING ELSE THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!
4. When I say enough with the My Little Pony show or any other show. I mean ENOUGH! There are only a handful of shows that make me want to go sit on the nearest cliff during the windy season and MLP is one of them. I have enough screeching, whiny little creatures in real life, I don’t need to watch them on TV, too. And Pinkie Pie needs to go away. I don’t care where she goes, but either she can go away or get punched in the throat.
5. When I say NO, it is not a signal for you to keep asking me until my head splits in 2 and scream, ” I SAID NO!”. No means no, even when it is said to child from parent.
6. If I tell you that we can’t go swimming this week, just leave it at that unless you want a lesson in the workings of the female body. And walking away saying, “OH mom must be on her period” due to the fact that I just yelled at you, “NO MEANS NO!”, doesn’t help the situation. Just know that soon you will be dealing with the same thing and I have a blog where I can enact my revenge.
7. No cracking out the kids! This one is for SoHubby. It is NOT 1978, which means there are other alternatives to Kool Aid to give our children. I know you think it is funny to get them all jumpy on sugar and leave for work, but just know I have my own form of torture that I can dole out. See number 6.
8. If you would like to get home quick from grocery shopping, then don’t whine, complain and fart around while we are grocery shopping. Making me remind you a million times not to stand directly behind or in front of the shopping cart, to stay with me, or to hurry up picking a toy that you just have to spend your money on takes up precious time that could have been spent racing around throwing random items into the basket so we can go home.
9. Don’t say you are bored, if you don’t want me to make you unbored. I guarantee that whatever task I give you will be much more painful, in your mind, than the current boredom you are experiencing. Look, there are baseboards to be cleaned, cabinets to be wiped down, extra school work that can be done, etc that will make that boredom seem like paradise.
10. There will be down days and super busy days. The less complaining from you ensures we all have a fun summer. I know all your friends are going on luxury vacations and having the time of your lives while you are stuck here with your parents and siblings, but it is the hand that you have been dealt so just deal with it. You can always dream of the day when you move out of our house and do all those fun things we never let you do. Oh and when you are daydreaming about how great your life will be once you are on your own, don’t forget to daydream that great fun job you got without any hard work where you make a ton of money.
Love,
Mom
